Tye Tribbett – If He did it before He can do it again (same God)

I’ve recently come across this song and I hope it will bless you as much as it has blessed me.

The quality isn’t the best but try to listen anyway 🙂

Sherjei.

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Letting go

You have been going back and forth with this decision for days, weeks, months even, and in the end you chicken out. Of course you have a great excuse reason for not doing it and anybody looking on would agree that you made the right choice. But did you really?

On a number of occasions in our lives we hesitate to make decisions and we shy away from things without fully knowing why. We know the situation makes us uncomfortable or scared or maybe even a little bit embarrassed, but why? What is it that caused it to be that way?

Maybe it’s something that happened years ago that you never really dealt with. That incident that left you in tears but you buried it so deep inside that no one could ever tell how much it affected you. Maybe it’s that one time you failed a quiz in school or that one time you had an argument with a good friend. Maybe it’s when you were scolded by your mother for being disobedient or that one time you think someone was condescending towards you… there are so many seemingly “little” and “unimportant” things that happen to us that stay with us for years.

I have recently come to the realization that I have held on to so many things that have started to become a very heavy burden. I’ve done a lot of introspection some of which have been painful for me. I always said I wasn’t a fan of self discovery but I found myself wanting to understand why I am the way I am. After all, if I can’t understand me how can I expect that anyone else will?

Like most things in life there is no simple explanation for what makes me react the way I do in various situations but I think examining similar situations in the past can help shed light on the present. Situations that I have forbidden myself to think about and moments that I probably have chosen not to relive.

How do I bring myself to face the things I try so hard to avoid?

In my next few posts (some of which I’ve already started to write ) I will attempt to share with you my discoveries about myself and my attempts to let go of the things that have shaped and are still shaping they way my life is.

Sherjei.

Silent Tears

The captivating smile masks the pain that cuts through to my very core.

The world knows not of the myriad of things buried deep inside;

The perpetual struggles that often paralyze my mind.

And every time I think it’s over,

I discover there is more.

More misery, more jealousy, more hatred and grief,

More envy, more pain and the hurt that never cease.

I fight to hold on to optimism but it slips so far away,

I worry about all the things I can’t talk about today.

The mistakes that still haunt me although I’ve tried to reconcile

The past I try to bury that keeps rising all the while

Life isn’t always easy

But it shouldn’t have to always be so hard.

These tears that finally roll down my cheek may be my saving grace.

For the sake of saving face… I have for too long cried the most painful and silent tears.

Sherjei.

 

My attempt at writing a poem. I did it a while with no intention of posting it.

ps… I’m not a poet.

What would you tell yourself 10 years ago?

Ten years ago I was ten going on eleven, preparing to sit my Grade Six Achievement Test (GSAT) which would determine which high school I would attend. My biggest concern then was ensuring that my uniform stayed neat and that my homework was handed in on time (I think). To be quite honest I’m really no too sure I was worried about anything at all back then.

If  I could have a five minute conversation with myself back then knowing what I now know, what would I tell myself?

Hmmm… I probably would be tempted to tell myself not to make some of the choices I have made and not to be involved with some of the people I’ve met. I’d be tempted to tell myself to choose a wider range of subjects in school and to learn to have more fun. I probably would tell myself to set some goals a little earlier.

But on second thought I doubt I would say all that. I probably would end up saying something like “well Sher, you’re not going to have it easy and you’re going to cry yourself to sleep a few nights but in everything you do just have fun! Life is short, enjoy it!!”

Of course being the kind of ten year old I was I would probably believe that my older self telling me about how short life is might mean that I’m going to  die early.

Anyhoo, I would not want my ten year old self to know what I know now because that would lead to making some different decisions which would in turn mean that I would be living a different life today. My life is far from perfect and yes I have cried myself to sleep but I love my life. I have a family that is very supportive and very proud of all I’ve achieved  and even that which I haven’t achieved just yet. My wonerful friends (though few) mean the world to me. They are crazy but I love them. And the Huzzy and I are doing great (its a good thing he’s a patiendt man). Trust me, I’m not always the easiest to deal with.

So my advice to me ten years ago is no different than my advice to me now (or to anybpdyelse for that matter).

You have but one life to live and you are going to make mistakes. Try not to dwell o n them. Ask for forgiveness when you are wrong and learn to forgive others in return, it makes things that much simpler to handle. Make the most of every opportunity that you come across. Be the best YOU you can be and learn that sometimes you’ll just have to let go and have fun, whether this means singing in the shower or singing on Broadway, just enjoy life. And never forget to SMILE 🙂 it makes everything seem lighter.

Toodles,

Sherjei.

Nobody said it would be easy

A series of rather unfortunate events left me in tears last week.

Now if you know me you will know that I’m that girl who tries to always smile regardless of the circumstances. Its not that I dont cry but rather that I dont like to cry in public. I’ve had my fair share of tearful nights when I’m all alone, or  a one and two breakdown when I’m with my girlies or with my boyfriend but the public thing with random people passing and looking… nope, not my thing.

Last Monday was different though. I was having such a crappy day and by 6pm I was so tired and I just wanted to go home. I decided no to go to my class which was 6-8 and to go home on the 7:30 bus instead. I went to the ATM and got money for the week before I went and bought my bus tickets. I went and sat in the lounge cause I had an hour to pass before walking to the bus bay.

I have no idea what programme was on the TV but I watched it for a while. I remember when it got to 6:30 and people started filing in to watch School’s Challenge Quiz cause I decided to leave at that point. I was having a nasty headache and they were quite noisy. I picked up my Ting from the fridge and went in search of Mokus.

All was well, that is if I didnt think about the fact that my head was splitting and I just wanted to go home.

And then it was time to go home.

When I dipped into my bag… no purse! By this time I was back at the lounge which was even more crowded than it had been earlier. I checked a second time and still, no purse.

Somehow I couldnt control the tears that rolled down my cheeks. I remember thinking, “really? like hasn’t this day been terrible enough?”

Looking back at it now I realize that I wasnt only crying because the purse was lost, I was crying for everything else that had happened that day and the days before that had me feeling quite down.

Mokus bought me new bus tickets so I could get home and once I got home I was asleep within minutes. I overslept the next morning too but luckily I didn’t miss the bus so I wasn’t late for work.

Last monday was one of my worst days since I’ve been at UWI, but in a weird kinda way I’m glad it happened. I mean I got back the purse the next day so I didn’t have to worry too much about that. But more importantly breaking down actually helped me. I got a good night’s rest (which I badly needed) and crying made me feel better (although i was mortfied that all the people on the bus kept staring at me).

I saw a quote this morning that I think is quite nice.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.  ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

I will remember that the next time I feel like its been a horrible day and I need to give up 🙂

Til later sweetums,

Sherjei.