Sometimes everyone needs a break. I think my sometimes has come.
I feel like I’ve spent so much time making everyone else happy, looking after everyone else, ensuring everyone else didn’t fall apart and in the process I may have neglected me…
I’ve never met anyone who didn’t get the impression that I’m reliable and strong and capable and dependable and blah blah blah (well except for my former boss from CNS and that’s a whole other story for another time). I guess I’m the kinda person who “leaves a mark”…idk. You’d think I’d be ecstatic right? Any normal person would be… so why am I not?
Maybe because I’m tired. … I have long since stopped getting pleasure from feeling like someone needs me to “save” them. Now I ask who the fuck is gonna save me? My bills are piling up, my will is being tested in ways i never imagined possible and hope is fading fast.
I’m tired of being the good one, tired of being the responsible one, tired of being the only one putting this whole world ahead of myself. Why think of how someone else’s kids will go to school rather than pay my damn student loan? Is it really worth it when the mother doesn’t put in as much effort? Why try to move mountains for everyone else when you’re mountains seems to be getting bigger and more rugged and I feel I have no help…
When will it be my time? When will I get to relax? who will save me if or when I hit rock bottom? Cause right now I’m falling and the dreams are fading and I’m finding it hard to think beyond today.
The future has gone from that place of hope and promise to the nightmare I’d rather not imagine… How do I get past this… I don’t know but something has to change. I’m not half as strong as people think I am and the mask is slipping fast… :(.
Everyone needs a break sometimes. My sometimes has come. I need a break.