My sometimes has come…

Sometimes everyone needs a break. I think my sometimes has come.

I feel like I’ve spent so much time making everyone else happy, looking after everyone else, ensuring everyone else didn’t fall apart and in the process I may have neglected me…

I’ve never met anyone who didn’t get the impression that I’m reliable and strong and capable and dependable and blah blah blah (well except for my former boss from CNS and that’s a whole other story for another time). I guess I’m the kinda person who “leaves a mark”…idk. You’d think I’d be ecstatic right? Any normal person would be… so why am I not?

Maybe because I’m tired. … I have long since stopped getting pleasure from feeling like someone needs me to “save” them. Now I ask who the fuck is gonna save me? My bills are piling up, my will is being tested in ways i never imagined possible and hope is fading fast.

I’m tired of being the good one, tired of being the responsible one, tired of being the only one putting this whole world ahead of myself. Why think of how someone else’s kids will go to school rather than pay my damn student loan? Is it really worth it when the mother doesn’t put in as much effort? Why try to move mountains for everyone else when you’re mountains seems to be getting bigger and more rugged and I feel I have no help…

When will it be my time? When will I get to relax? who will save me if or when I hit rock bottom? Cause right now I’m falling and the dreams are fading and I’m finding it hard to think beyond today.

The future has gone from that place of hope and promise to the nightmare I’d rather not imagine… How do I get past this… I don’t know but something has to change. I’m not half as strong as people think I am and the mask is slipping fast… :(.

Everyone needs a break sometimes. My sometimes has come. I need a break.

Sherjei

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7 comments on “My sometimes has come…

  1. It’s tough being the cure-all girl.. Remember when you’re flying, they say to strap your own Oxygen mask on first.

  2. *tears* *big hug up* …. Is true though, you are that girl, Ms reliable, Ms dependable, Ms Holder-together-of-all-things, that’s my experience of you but I COMPLETELY understand the frustration. Remember though, the darkest hour is just before midnight and Karma is not only a bitch, she is fair, so your kindness will come back to you.

    AND … “Is it really worth it when the mother doesn’t put in as much effort?” … It’s worth it even more because the mother doesn’t put in as much effort.

    Keep hanging on. Love ya.

  3. You ever read something and feel someone wrote everything you feel. I have them too just yesterday morning, and funny enough we end up back to the drawing board because we might trip but never fall. Go to rock bottom but never stay. This is exactly what you have done, same words I repeat every day. The only thing I hold on to (even though it too has begun to fade) is to fight even when you feel you are the only one fighting for you and who else is going to do it? I tell myself because when I ask for help it never seems to come around (even though im always helping and everything works out for someone else) but night after night pushing to avoid the worst. Because one thing is certain if we stop doing the huge sacrifices that we do now, and frustration cycle of goal deficiency (a fancy way of me diagnosing my issues with fading dreams) and making decisions based on circumstances alone then whats the worst that can happen will surface. Just Sunday (pardon if I blaspheme) I asked seriously why the hell am I here? Did God give me dreams for me not to pursue them, seriously what is the purpose of getting up every day only to be pushed down further and further *insert scene with the most angry tearful person arguing to themself and crying while hanging out clothes on the line* sometimes I am strong enough to just say eff all dis and leave it but I can’t for long before something else seeps in, when I have a bad day at work its ten times as bad because I say, I really should be in school/vacation/anything else that if it werent for circumstances I would be doing. But here we are again, another day has ended, another plan (maybe the 800th) is in the works (and I question am I working against God’s plans or is this a test- trick question) and I say all the time, I plead, I bawl, I pray, I work just for a break. but since we are here we have no other choice but to avoid the worst and get through somehow each day and work as hard as we can.

    • You are by far one of the most dedicated persons I’ve ever met in my entire life (and trust me I’ve met a lot of people). I know life aint pretty right now and in the struggles you might question the very reason for your existence but someone told me recently that God gives the greatest battles to his strongest soldiers… u believe that? I don’t know but I took some comfort in it.
      The break you so badly need may not come immediately but don’t lose hope that the break will come. We often regard Karma as a bitch and emphasize all the bad things that happen because of Karma but I think we forget that Karma also repays good deeds… you’re break will come hunny and when it comes and your relaxing on the beach in Curacao , drink a Mohito for me 🙂 *hugs*

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