Paralyzed…

Today is Wednesday November 28th. I got paid on November 23rd. Since then I have been repaying debts and paying bills almost every single day. Today I signed on to my Scotia Online to pay two more bills. My account balance is $28,618.58. My rent is $12,500, my student loan is $15,000. If I make this payment I will be left with $1,118.58. After 20 minutes of staring at the account balance on my computer screen I closed the window and opted to go take a walk… this is unreal. This is not my life. It can not be!

I still have bills/loans to attend to amounting to roughly $10,000, My Shoes are threatening to fail soon so I shall be needing one before I next get paid in exactly 24 days time, and… oh yea… I will need to get to work and to eat. Hmm, this shall be interesting.

This is the part where the student loan gets left behind I think…

Oh Well… Such is life.

~Sherjei

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Confused

I feel like I’m trapped… and I have decisions to make.

Trapped in a life that doesn’t feel like my own.

Trapped in situations that’s eating away at my soul…

Trapped between the proverbial rock and that very hard place,

Trapped in this rather confusing rat race.

I’ve got decisions… decisions… decisions to make

I see hundreds of roads…

and I don’t know which one to take,

Do I choose instant gratification or try to fulfill a long term need?

Do I ignore the practical and succumb to the greed?

They say live the life you love and love that life you live

But if that’s truly gonna happen, something’s gotta give.

I feel like I’m trapped and I have decisions to make.

Somebody please throw me some directions… I need to know which road to take.

~Sherjei

 

 

 

Down and Dejected

With all my “self confidence” you’d think a conversation about my weight would not bring me to tears, right?

Naa… wrong. I just walked into the lunchroom at work to deliver a message to someone and low and behold my weight gain became the subject of conversation.

“Shermaine put on nuff weight eee,” commented one person with a big smile on her face.

“Yes, she jus a fat up so,” chimed in someone else. “She neva look so when she jus come here”.

I faked a chuckle and turned and left the room. Went back to my desk and closed my eyes. Its all I could do not to cry. I wonder if nobody thinks I have a mirror… hmmm. Yes! I’m convinced. Clearly they don’t believe that I have the means by which to ascertain that I have indeed gained weight (a lot of it) so they find it necessary to point it out at every available opportunity…

The sad part is that I had/have tried to lose it. I even joined a gym and was making some progress but then came the moment when monthly membership was to be renewed and there was no  money in the purse to do so…

That left me demotivated and the plans to go jogging never materialized…

 

Down and dejected…

Sherjei

Annoyed

Grown men arguing about diddly squat… they annoy me.

People who need to put others down to make themselves look better… they annoy me.

People who hold on to information so you have to pry it out of them to make them feel needed… they annoy me.

Selfish people… they annoy me.

Arrogant people… they annoy me.

Wait… *light bulb moment* … it finally makes sense. Its not necessarily “people” that annoy me but just this one person that  I have to work with!

Wow! … how come I never saw that before??

– Sherjei

I’ve got dreams…

As I sat at my desk today writing a list of my expenses for next month I came to the realization that I will need to spend $30,000 more than I make for a month which lead me to start wondering what I’m living for. Well am i even living or am I merely existing as a way for JPS, NWC and My landlord to increase their profits…hmmm? I mean, seriously…My budget includes absolutely no entertainment and no room for even a very small indulgence in comfort food for the sadness that is sure to hit me at least once during next month.

It is during this reverie that I realized that despite all the struggles that I face and all the times I’ve said I’m going to give up and stop caring and blah blah blah I never actually give up! (shocking!)

Why though?… Well the only explanation I can come up with is that I still have a dream and because I haven’t lost the ability to dream I still have hope. Some wise unknown person once said that “Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible,” (or something to that effect, I read it somewhere but I cant remember it exactly) and since my current situation often seems impossible I need all the hope I can get.

So yea, I hold on this hope…

The hope that I will learn enough in my current position at Main Event to make me qualified for a better job elsewhere if Main Event fails to give me an appropriate raise when the time comes for that to happen.

The hope that one month I will be able to make a student loan payment without holding on to the money for 4 days because I find it so hard to let it go, knowing fully well that I’m going to pay it anyway!

The hope that I will one day be able to buy that black stiletto (u know the one with the red on the bottom that you always see in the movies?) that will probably sit in my closet as I wont be able to wear it very often but I will have bought it because I want to.

The hope that one day my children will not have half the struggles I now have as I will have endured not just for me but for them as well.

The hope that I will never lose hope and that I will never lose sight of my dreams as according to Eleanor Roosevelt “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams”. The future belongs to me…

My blog title is even more appropriate now than ever as I continue to dream my whole life through…

There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.” ~ Douglas H. Everett

May my dreams one day become the reality I live… and until then may I never lose Hope.

-Sherjei