As I sat at my desk today writing a list of my expenses for next month I came to the realization that I will need to spend $30,000 more than I make for a month which lead me to start wondering what I’m living for. Well am i even living or am I merely existing as a way for JPS, NWC and My landlord to increase their profits…hmmm? I mean, seriously…My budget includes absolutely no entertainment and no room for even a very small indulgence in comfort food for the sadness that is sure to hit me at least once during next month.
It is during this reverie that I realized that despite all the struggles that I face and all the times I’ve said I’m going to give up and stop caring and blah blah blah I never actually give up! (shocking!)
Why though?… Well the only explanation I can come up with is that I still have a dream and because I haven’t lost the ability to dream I still have hope. Some wise unknown person once said that “Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible,” (or something to that effect, I read it somewhere but I cant remember it exactly) and since my current situation often seems impossible I need all the hope I can get.
So yea, I hold on this hope…
The hope that I will learn enough in my current position at Main Event to make me qualified for a better job elsewhere if Main Event fails to give me an appropriate raise when the time comes for that to happen.
The hope that one month I will be able to make a student loan payment without holding on to the money for 4 days because I find it so hard to let it go, knowing fully well that I’m going to pay it anyway!
The hope that I will one day be able to buy that black stiletto (u know the one with the red on the bottom that you always see in the movies?) that will probably sit in my closet as I wont be able to wear it very often but I will have bought it because I want to.
The hope that one day my children will not have half the struggles I now have as I will have endured not just for me but for them as well.
The hope that I will never lose hope and that I will never lose sight of my dreams as according to Eleanor Roosevelt “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams”. The future belongs to me…
My blog title is even more appropriate now than ever as I continue to dream my whole life through…
There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.” ~ Douglas H. Everett
May my dreams one day become the reality I live… and until then may I never lose Hope.