The Cure for World Hunger

If you came here to find the cure for world hunger then let me apologize now for having misled you as I have very recently learnt that I do not have the cure. I have however some advise for those who may be struggling on a weight loss journey as I am.

I have spent years, many many years, forcing myself to eat all the food on my plate because I was so concerned that I was wasting food while there were starving children in Africa (or downtown Kingston for that matter). But the more I think about this the more I realize that I have been absolutely crazy!!

How exactly is my over-indulgence going to assist anyone else? While I eat to the point of discomfort, these persons are still very much hungry and whether I chose to toss what I really should not force myself to chug down or to leave it for later these people will not even know.

There are several ways to assist those persons across the world who may indeed be dying of hunger but trust me when I say overeating is not one of them. All overeating does is

So I’m learning… learning that it is ok to not eat everything on the plate. My waistline may actually thank me for it.

On November 15, 2016 I started my weight loss journey again and today, 61 days later, I am trying to adjust my mindset as I have no progress to show for the two months that have passed. To be honest my workouts have not been frequent enough and my eating habits still need some work.

But this is a journey. A journey that does not promise to be easy but on I will take one day at a time as I kick one negative habit at a time.

Negative habit number one that must go is the feeling that I must eat everything I have on my plate… I must learn to manage my portions.

After all I’m not curing world hunger!

Toodles,
Shermaine

Hiding from Myself…

Tonight I had one of those eye opening moments that you wish you hadn’t realized what you just realized and you want to stop the world and reverse the time so you can return to blissful self denial but try as you might you know its not possible so you just start babbling… Yea… Tonight I realized that I’ve spent the last 2 years hiding from myself.

After watching a photoshop tutorial on Youtube I was super excited to try what I had just learned so I went in search of a recent photo of myself to use. Low and behold I could not find any. Not a single one!! This once overly photogenic, always smiling and ready for that pic chick does not have a single photo of herself… This is unheard of… Or is it?

A photo captures that moment and preserves that story for many years to come. Every time you see that photo again you are able to relive that moment and experience all the emotions  you were feeling all over again. I’ve been avoiding that… With all the changes that I have gone through over the past two years I have not wanted to capture many moments.
Don’t get me wrong now, there have been many happy moments but I have not been so keen on capturing them because then I would be forced to relive the heartaches I’ve had to endure as well.

Over the past 2 years I have “grown up” a lot. Not only have I taken on more adult responsibilities as it relates to life after university but how I feel about the skin I live in has been greatly altered as well. When the first thing to come out of everybody you meet is “you’ve gained so much weight” or “lawd you get so fat” or “how old is the baby cause with all this weight you must have one baby” it gets harder every day to put that smile on… real or fake.

It gets harder to look in the mirror, it gets harder to convince yourself that you are beautiful, it gets harder to smile and allow someone to see into your soul through the ever searching lens of a camera. Even after buying new clothes and trying to fix the hair and adding the nicest polish to the nails… it just doesn’t feel right. I just do not feel like i use to. So I shy away from every camera.  You say photo and I immediately hide.

For the few times that I’m trapped and unable to hide you see the pain and the discomfort in my eyes. You can see me wondering how many persons are going to comment on how heavy I look today… you can see me wishing there was a way to get out of that shot.

I’ve been hiding… hiding from the penetrating gaze of the cameras, hiding from a cruelly judgmental world… hiding from myself

~ Sherjei

 

One of those Days

Some days are easy

Some days I can get through without even having to think about what I’m doing

Some days I’m happy and relaxed and motivated  and caring and efficient and UNSTOPPABLE

But then there are other days

Days like today

Days when I’m miserable and short tempered and angry and IMPATIENT

I hate days like these…

Days when I want to give up on life and work and friendship and love and ambition

Days when I feel like the universe is out to get me and I have failed myself half as much as others have failed me

Days when I wish that I could close my eyes and escape to a world where I have no responsibilities and no one to think about but me

Days when I want to get a drink or two or three and just get lost in the pain

Days when I want to be ALONE

I hate days like these… hate them.

Sherjei

Paralyzed…

Today is Wednesday November 28th. I got paid on November 23rd. Since then I have been repaying debts and paying bills almost every single day. Today I signed on to my Scotia Online to pay two more bills. My account balance is $28,618.58. My rent is $12,500, my student loan is $15,000. If I make this payment I will be left with $1,118.58. After 20 minutes of staring at the account balance on my computer screen I closed the window and opted to go take a walk… this is unreal. This is not my life. It can not be!

I still have bills/loans to attend to amounting to roughly $10,000, My Shoes are threatening to fail soon so I shall be needing one before I next get paid in exactly 24 days time, and… oh yea… I will need to get to work and to eat. Hmm, this shall be interesting.

This is the part where the student loan gets left behind I think…

Oh Well… Such is life.

~Sherjei

Confused

I feel like I’m trapped… and I have decisions to make.

Trapped in a life that doesn’t feel like my own.

Trapped in situations that’s eating away at my soul…

Trapped between the proverbial rock and that very hard place,

Trapped in this rather confusing rat race.

I’ve got decisions… decisions… decisions to make

I see hundreds of roads…

and I don’t know which one to take,

Do I choose instant gratification or try to fulfill a long term need?

Do I ignore the practical and succumb to the greed?

They say live the life you love and love that life you live

But if that’s truly gonna happen, something’s gotta give.

I feel like I’m trapped and I have decisions to make.

Somebody please throw me some directions… I need to know which road to take.

~Sherjei

 

 

 

I’ve got dreams…

As I sat at my desk today writing a list of my expenses for next month I came to the realization that I will need to spend $30,000 more than I make for a month which lead me to start wondering what I’m living for. Well am i even living or am I merely existing as a way for JPS, NWC and My landlord to increase their profits…hmmm? I mean, seriously…My budget includes absolutely no entertainment and no room for even a very small indulgence in comfort food for the sadness that is sure to hit me at least once during next month.

It is during this reverie that I realized that despite all the struggles that I face and all the times I’ve said I’m going to give up and stop caring and blah blah blah I never actually give up! (shocking!)

Why though?… Well the only explanation I can come up with is that I still have a dream and because I haven’t lost the ability to dream I still have hope. Some wise unknown person once said that “Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible,” (or something to that effect, I read it somewhere but I cant remember it exactly) and since my current situation often seems impossible I need all the hope I can get.

So yea, I hold on this hope…

The hope that I will learn enough in my current position at Main Event to make me qualified for a better job elsewhere if Main Event fails to give me an appropriate raise when the time comes for that to happen.

The hope that one month I will be able to make a student loan payment without holding on to the money for 4 days because I find it so hard to let it go, knowing fully well that I’m going to pay it anyway!

The hope that I will one day be able to buy that black stiletto (u know the one with the red on the bottom that you always see in the movies?) that will probably sit in my closet as I wont be able to wear it very often but I will have bought it because I want to.

The hope that one day my children will not have half the struggles I now have as I will have endured not just for me but for them as well.

The hope that I will never lose hope and that I will never lose sight of my dreams as according to Eleanor Roosevelt “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams”. The future belongs to me…

My blog title is even more appropriate now than ever as I continue to dream my whole life through…

There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.” ~ Douglas H. Everett

May my dreams one day become the reality I live… and until then may I never lose Hope.

-Sherjei

confession

“NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FELT WHEN…”

I am far from being perfect and I never pretended to be.

I cry for simple things and for me some jokes are just not funny.

Thin skinned – yes that’s me though I tried quite hard to hide it

A million ways to hide one’s feelings… name any one and trust that I’ve have tried it.

Some days I hate texting… It requires a certain virtue that i’m still trying to acquire

but then… then there are other days where texting is my saviour…

Its the perfect hiding place.

you can’t hear the crack in my voice or see the tears roll down my face.

Deceptive… yes I admit it is wrong

But tell me you don’t think its better than singing the same old song.

Sticks and Stones may brake my bones but words…

Oh how they hurt me…

And I can’t hide the pain

So I’m sure I’ll be crying time and time again…

I’m sorry if my words have hurt you half as much yours have me.

It will all get better with time

Thank God It’s Friday!!!!!!!

I dont think anyone in this world is as happy as i am to know that this is the last day of the working week.

I’m so tired although i slept until way  after eleven this morning. I’m still not use to this working thing yet.

Wednesday made two weeks since I started working at Cable News and Sports. I cant believe it’s only been two weeks!!!!! Jah Know star it feels like two months already… I guess by the time two months end I’ll feel two years older (that’s not a good thing – will need to work on that)

So much has happened since…

I think I’ve been adjusting but I’ve had a few really rough days. I’ve heard it will all get better with time though so I’ll wait and see. I haven’t been bawling (to any great extent) so I’m not doing too badly and my reading and presentation skill shave been improving but there’s still work to be done.

Anyhoo… I had an amazing weekend.

Yea, yea I know it’s kinda late to talk about the weekend since its the weekend again but please allow me!

Saturday was amazing (that is if i don’t count the census work I had to do in the morning morning – Hubby made up for that later though :))

Yea so I was saying,  Saturday was great, awe-inspiring,

And Sunday was great too.

I went to St Mary on sunday for my bestfriend’s birthday and had to come back to town the same day.

The trip was worth it though, I got an apple that was bigger than my head (n my head not small at all) plus I got authentic jelly coconut water and I got birthday cake and… it was a good day. Oh I almost forgot Olivia Sheena Maxwell went to church in one hot girl dress :)!!!! She looked stunning (much to the envy of quite a few people but that’s another story). Happy Birthday again Hunz.

So after two weeks I’m tired. Seriously tired. This job… I swear requires more of me than if I had gone to work for TVJ or CVM.

Interestingly too, I’m not sure what my position here is cause I wont be given a contract until after my probation ends in three months but so far I am the news and business writer, editor and presenter. Oh and  I think I’m newsroom editor too, I choose the stories, I compile the newscast… (which I need to go start doing now)

Can’t wait for this day to be over!!!

Hello Weekend :). I dare you to top last week (lol please I need you to)

Later!

Sherjei

The pit pit patter of the rain drops…

I stepped outside the office and without noticing I stepped into a puddle. An untimely reminder of the rainfall we’ve been getting for the past few days. I was tempted to get mad but then I thought – What am i getting mad at? The rain? The puddle? So…I went about my way.

For some reason this little episode reminded me of my time as a student at Westwood High School in Trelawny. I started thinking about the fact that we had devotions two times per day everyday and then the number of times I helped to lead those devotions in my final year because of my involvement with ISCF. The endless skits, and songs and Bible verses…

Speaking of which, thats how I first got the name SHER-J. We had to do a skit for valentines’ sunday and I played the role of a girl with the perfect man AJ (which was eventually revealed to mean Almighty Jesus). I really enjoyed that skit… I wonder why I never joined UDAS at UWI… hmmm. Anyhoo by the end of the skit I was Mrs. AJ. So I became SherJ. To this day Natalia White (Pretty Girl) still calls me that.

I use to love general devotions but I also had my own little quiet times. This was something I started in firth form where I’d read my Bible and have a little talk with the Big Man. Sadly I don’t do this anymore although I know I should…

In trying to figure out what to call this blog, The Pit Pit Patter came to mind. Probably I had been singing that song this morning. Its actually one of my favourite Nursery Rhymes.

I Love the Pit-Pit Patter of the rain drops,
I love the buzz-buzz buzzing of the bee,
But the thing I love the best, it’s the very, very best,
Is to know that God loves me.

I love I love

I love the chirp-chirp chirping of the birdies

I love the sweet-sweet smelling of the rose

But the thing I love the best, it’s the very, very best,
Is to know that God loves me.

Oh the good old days.

Anyhoo, before I get caught up in all things great about childhood,  I think I have work to do.

Sherjei.