Tonight I had one of those eye opening moments that you wish you hadn’t realized what you just realized and you want to stop the world and reverse the time so you can return to blissful self denial but try as you might you know its not possible so you just start babbling… Yea… Tonight I realized that I’ve spent the last 2 years hiding from myself.
After watching a photoshop tutorial on Youtube I was super excited to try what I had just learned so I went in search of a recent photo of myself to use. Low and behold I could not find any. Not a single one!! This once overly photogenic, always smiling and ready for that pic chick does not have a single photo of herself… This is unheard of… Or is it?
A photo captures that moment and preserves that story for many years to come. Every time you see that photo again you are able to relive that moment and experience all the emotions you were feeling all over again. I’ve been avoiding that… With all the changes that I have gone through over the past two years I have not wanted to capture many moments.
Don’t get me wrong now, there have been many happy moments but I have not been so keen on capturing them because then I would be forced to relive the heartaches I’ve had to endure as well.
Over the past 2 years I have “grown up” a lot. Not only have I taken on more adult responsibilities as it relates to life after university but how I feel about the skin I live in has been greatly altered as well. When the first thing to come out of everybody you meet is “you’ve gained so much weight” or “lawd you get so fat” or “how old is the baby cause with all this weight you must have one baby” it gets harder every day to put that smile on… real or fake.
It gets harder to look in the mirror, it gets harder to convince yourself that you are beautiful, it gets harder to smile and allow someone to see into your soul through the ever searching lens of a camera. Even after buying new clothes and trying to fix the hair and adding the nicest polish to the nails… it just doesn’t feel right. I just do not feel like i use to. So I shy away from every camera. You say photo and I immediately hide.
For the few times that I’m trapped and unable to hide you see the pain and the discomfort in my eyes. You can see me wondering how many persons are going to comment on how heavy I look today… you can see me wishing there was a way to get out of that shot.
I’ve been hiding… hiding from the penetrating gaze of the cameras, hiding from a cruelly judgmental world… hiding from myself