Tonight I cried…

Tonight I cried…

I cried because at the moment I had no idea what else to do. I was tired, frustrated and a little depressed and I was sure no one would understand how I was feeling if I tried to explain. So I cried.

I cried for the fatigue I feel at the mere thought of doing more online transcriptions for less than minimum wage because I need the money. 

I cried because I wanted to go out to dinner to eat at a place I’ve never tried before instead of facing my kitchen where my options were limited to Excelsior and Miss Birdie crackers.

I cried because I spend my whole life taking care of everybody else while I’m badly in need of being taken care of myself.

I cried for my locks that need to be groomed but can’t because I don’t have the time and I can’t afford to pay someone else to do it.

I cried because I don’t currently own a work shoes and the one slippers I have threatened to fail me this week.

I cried because the inner part of my work pants (that I inherited years ago) now have holes because they’ve done their time and I simply cant replace them.

I cried because my dream of a vacation where I can lay on a beach, drink a beer and forget the world is fading from my mind

I cried because I’m so sick and so tired of being afraid to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and I’m alwys too scared of offending someone

I cried for the experiences I am too old to have, for all the moments I decided to do the smart thing when the fun thing was what I wanted

I cried…

 

Tonight I cried.

A cry from a place so deep within that I didn’t know existed

A cry from a pain so real that it scared me.

A cry from a lost sole trying to find its way…

Tonight I cried… because I had no idea what else to do

 

Sherjei

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I’ve got dreams…

As I sat at my desk today writing a list of my expenses for next month I came to the realization that I will need to spend $30,000 more than I make for a month which lead me to start wondering what I’m living for. Well am i even living or am I merely existing as a way for JPS, NWC and My landlord to increase their profits…hmmm? I mean, seriously…My budget includes absolutely no entertainment and no room for even a very small indulgence in comfort food for the sadness that is sure to hit me at least once during next month.

It is during this reverie that I realized that despite all the struggles that I face and all the times I’ve said I’m going to give up and stop caring and blah blah blah I never actually give up! (shocking!)

Why though?… Well the only explanation I can come up with is that I still have a dream and because I haven’t lost the ability to dream I still have hope. Some wise unknown person once said that “Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible,” (or something to that effect, I read it somewhere but I cant remember it exactly) and since my current situation often seems impossible I need all the hope I can get.

So yea, I hold on this hope…

The hope that I will learn enough in my current position at Main Event to make me qualified for a better job elsewhere if Main Event fails to give me an appropriate raise when the time comes for that to happen.

The hope that one month I will be able to make a student loan payment without holding on to the money for 4 days because I find it so hard to let it go, knowing fully well that I’m going to pay it anyway!

The hope that I will one day be able to buy that black stiletto (u know the one with the red on the bottom that you always see in the movies?) that will probably sit in my closet as I wont be able to wear it very often but I will have bought it because I want to.

The hope that one day my children will not have half the struggles I now have as I will have endured not just for me but for them as well.

The hope that I will never lose hope and that I will never lose sight of my dreams as according to Eleanor Roosevelt “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams”. The future belongs to me…

My blog title is even more appropriate now than ever as I continue to dream my whole life through…

There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.” ~ Douglas H. Everett

May my dreams one day become the reality I live… and until then may I never lose Hope.

-Sherjei