My heart is willing but my pocket is weak

Have you ever walked past a store window and willed yourself to look the other way? Well, that has come second nature to me! Unfortunately I’ve always been too concerned about balancing a tight budget so I’ve allowed myself very little room to wander.

I can count on one hand how many brand name clothes or shoes I own and I wont need all my fingers. I have never been particularly interested in getting the latest styles and fashion because from a very young age it was engraved in m mind that it is always better to live within my means. As the years went by I held on to the hope that my “means” would one day increase so it would be easier to live within then but that day is yet to come.

The past few months have been particularly hard for me despite the fact that all my bills were paid, I manage to put aside money to cover work each month and even bought myself something nice in an attmept to dispell the feeling that I’m only working to pay bills. All my needs were covered but there was still a nagging voice in the back of my head saying “I want… I want… and I want…”. I’ve heard the voice and I must admit my heart is willing… but my pocket is rather weak.

I’ve been ignoring it, but its becoming increasingly difficult especially in light of the fact that my shoes, slippers and handbag all decided to fail me within a two hour period on the same day about a month ago! I begrudgingly replaced each of them and guess what happened… They all failed me Again!  Now I can’t blame them because I knew they were all cheap but my oh my… I never expected them to go so quickly.

Now I’m faced with a dilemma.

I need to replace the handbag, the shoes and the slippers but I’m a little scared to start looking. That annoying voice in my head has started shouting and I’m not sure I’ll be able to block it out 😦

Can someone please save me?

I want I need to buy proper items this trip so I wont have to be spending again so soon but for the life of me I just cant afford them and knowing this has brought me to an all new low. I feel tired, frustrated, despondent, <insert a plethora of emotions here> and sad. So soo sad.

I’d love to own nicer, sturdier, prettier bags and shoes and clothes and… the list goes on… but for some reason its just not within my means.

When will my means increase?

Will it ever… or am I doomed to a live of constantly evaluating each item I purchase on the grounds of what I want Vs what I can afford?



I want… I want… I want…


An Open Letter to my oldest nephew re High School

Dear Kamanie,

This week is officially your first week of high school and from what I’ve heard from Taj you are settling in quite nicely. Try to keep the good spirits up and before you know it the year will have just flown by.

I remember my first year of high school. I was like a fish out of water; everybody seemed smarter, prettier, richer… and I was just me. An ordinary girl from a rural community who had very little experience of the world. You may find yourself in a similar situation (although you have been exposed to a lot more than I was at your age) but it is important for you to always remember who you are and stay true to yourself. Never forget to believe in yourself and dream big… whatever your mind can conceive you can achieve. High School is your place to shine and I urge you to make the most of it.

I went to boarding  school so I had a mandatory study time; four days per week I had to sit in a room for an hour and a half and revise what I learnt at school, do assignments and study. Your arrangement is very different as you have free reign to do as you please but I implore you to not waste your time. Study! Study! Study!

Promise me you’ll read. Read everything there is to be read. Read you’re Bible, the newspaper, you’re notes from class, your textbooks, books from your school library… more over, join the library in Mandeville and borrow books there to read. The more you read, the more you know, and the more you know the easier school work becomes.

There is an old proverb that says “manners carry you through the world” and while many people believe this is not so, trust me it is. Say good morning, and good afternoon to those people you pass along the way, offer to help your teacher carry her books to class, treat the janitor at school with the same respect that you give to the principal and treat your peers as you wish to be treated. Bottom line is, what you give is what you get. When you show respect and good manners you will in turn be respected and life will be a whole lot easier for you. Oh… and Please respect your Grandparents, listen to them, they have your best interest at heart!!! Whether they are telling you to turn off the TV, to tidy the kitchen or to pick up a book, they are only doing that because they love you.

High school will mean making new friends but you must understand that not everybody that wants to be your friends will be a good person to hang out with. Some people will be into the latest music, some will want to go to parties, some will smoke and drink and have sex… You need to know what is right from wrong. There is nothing wrong with music, but if you know so much about music and nothing about school then something is wrong. As for the smoking, drinking and sex, if I dream that you are engaging in any of the three you will have to answer to me. Smoking and Drinking can both kill you and sex can wait until you’re older.

High School will have its ups and down but in all things put God first, believe in your self and give it your best shot.

Always remember that you are loved, you are special and you were put on this world for a purpose.

Make me proud!

Kamanie – Primary School Graduation

Love Always,

Aunty Shermaine.